The "We" In Me

Sometimes, in my alone time when I talk to myself, I find that I refer to myself as "we". As more than a singular. But I understand that the sum of the "we" is "Randa", and that in addressing myself as we, I am merely recognizing my different facets. They are not defined or distinct parts of my personality that work against each other, merely my different dispositions.

This is getting kind of complicated, so hopefully I haven't lost you but if I have, we're about to delve deeper, so hold on to your butts.

I recognize that I have two, perhaps three, different "Randa" voices in my mind. They are all me, but one of them is overly zealous, confident, and reckless. One of them is so cripplingly dependent on making others happy that self sacrifice is a constant, a daily. The third is neutral about almost everything, objective and unfeeling in a lot of instances. These three dispositions are on a constant revolve, and depending on who I am with or what I am doing, one of them is always dominant, almost drowning out the other two.

But when I find myself alone, they are all at equilibrium. Three equal parts. So I think about things and consult all three of my dispositions. There is always tension, of course, because the difference in the three of them means that when I'm thinking about possible solutions, a part of me always rejects every one. There is always some form of resistance from the reckless side or my people-pleaser side. But these are the moments when I feel the most concrete about my choices, because I have weighed all the possible options against myself and, in the silence, come to a conclusion.

It's not crazy, if you don't understand. I'm not crazy, either. I am just different from you, and that's all right.

-Randa