The turning point in my psyche seems like a good place to start, right? So I had a negative presence in my life. The nagging feeling that something was wrong, but not being able to decide what it was exactly. But then, I figured it out:
The person that I had trusted with my emotions, thoughts, real self, and truth was having a negative impact on my life.
They had slowly changed from this person I loved who was amazing and supported me into a person who thought they were better than some of the things I enjoyed, and who looked down on me for enjoying them. They became restrictive and controlling of my life, without perhaps even realizing what they were doing to me. And I, with my love for them and my unwillingness to believe it was true, chose to ignore the signs.
This went on for weeks, perhaps months. I was stuck in a place where this person that was so very close to me made me uncomfortable. Made me feel bad about being myself. Honestly, I was really angry after the fact for putting up with it for so long, because the right person would have never made me feel bad for being who I really am, and doing what I like to do.
I knew we were destined to break up. The thought of an endless future with them was unbearable, because trying to masquerade as what they wanted me to be indefinitely... I just couldn't imagine it. It was beyond my capability.
We ended, rather abruptly.
We had ended before, but always wound up going back to each other... Not this time. I was not going back. So I ended it over the phone. That's terrible, I know, but I knew if I ended it in person, I would be sucked right back in. So I did what I had to do.
And you know what?
Now I can breathe. And be. Just exist. The stillness, the tranquility that I lacked for a year and a half of my life has now returned, and I have started finding myself again. The pieces that had been buried, ignored, or just lost are being picked up one by one.
The journey to find myself, and fix all the little bothers that have been left behind has begun.
-Randa
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